Situational Infertility: I thought I might meet the love of my life at university, but he wasn’t there..

Welcome back ladies and gents!

This ‘situational infertility’ thing, I have never given it much thought.

When my maternal instincts kicked in – causing me to want to have babies desperately – I was always scared of being infertile or without choice.

Claire Colvin’s story was published in SheLoves Magazine (online). Claire is 40. Her work is beautifully written, and the clarity and self awareness is painstaking, witty and loveable.

I am a university student. Our stages in life don’t match up. But, the way that Claire reflects on each stage of her life and how ‘she missed out’ is very relatable.

Her work makes  me question – maybe I should push for the relationship with the boy I am frequently going on dates with.

Similar to Claire, I have always been the girl who thought she would find someone at university. I am in my final year, and I am semi-dating someone (emphasis on semi).

Similar to Claire – I get inklings of what she is feeling. Over the course of 4 years at university, my drive and fulfilment that has come from trapping (in the words of Aly Wong) handsome, healthy, educated men has disappeared.

Colvin’s work tugs at my heart – she talks about how it was God’s sign for her apartment door to be across from a brick wall.

Here is an excerpt from SheLove Magazine,

My last year of school a friend of mine fell in love with the boy who lived across the hall and she married him. My apartment was the only one in the building that was across from a brick wall. I tried not to take it was a sign. 

I did not find my husband in the group for young adults at church. 

There was no meetcute at the coffee shop. 

So, here I am, 40, and childless. It’s entirely possible that it’s too late to have a baby. Maybe I’m not out of time, but maybe I am.

I am not childless because of biology, but rather biography. I wish this kind of childlessness was something we could talk about. 

When you’re childless, you can linger in the no man’s land between young people and adults for years. Without children, it’s harder to convince others- and even ourselves – that our lives have definition and meaning. 

I wish I could tell you that in the time it took to write this article I’ve fallen in love, gotten married and experienced a medical miracle.

 Source: http://shelovesmagazine.com/2016/mother-no-im-not/

Normalise Miscarriage: How framing women as survivors emphasises the unacceptability, or unnaturalness

When Elissa had a miscarriage, she found the term ‘survivor’ showed up in her search for common ground and stories among other woman. This included Ashley William at the Human Development Project who promoted the idea of normalising miscarriage.

I will sidetrack here, to give some context. Elissa read William personable struggles with miscarriage. William’s sadness and frustration over her own miscarriage is eclipsed by the sadness and frustration she feels over how rarely women talk about their miscarriages.

“If 25 percent of my peers are currently experiencing miscarriages right alongside me, why wasn’t I prepared? Why don’t we talk about it? Why was I feeling embarrassed, broken, like a walking wound?” William writes.

Whilst reading William’s story, Elissa maintained enthusiasm throughout nearly the entire essay, until she neared the end and came upon this phrase: “I’m a survivor. Healed, I will try again.”

I think Elissa has a very strong valid point. Elissa goes on to explains that separating the word ‘survivor’ and ‘miscarriage’ would help  normalise miscarriage. She said:

I understand the instinct to frame women who have had miscarriages as survivors; it’s a way to find meaning, even redemption, in chaos. Still, it’s wrong, in both logical and emotional terms.

When we call someone a survivor we are emphasizing the unacceptability, or unnaturalness, of the situation they were forced to endure. We don’t survive what is normal, we survive what is exceptional or repugnant. If the goal is to make miscarriage feel normal, then the survivor label is counterproductive. – Elissa Strauss 

This is a rare one of a kind perspective! Perhaps little tweeks and adjustments in the language we use when talking about issues related to childlessness could possibly improve social consciousness on the issue – make miscarriage and childlessness by choice or circumstance less taboo.

Source: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/09/22/women_who_ve_had_miscarriages_shouldn_t_be_called_survivors.html

https://hdp.press/i-need-to-talk-about-my-miscarriage-4af9d942c20f#.9l7jzlh0p

https://www.tommys.org/our-organisation/why-we-exist/miscarriage-statistics

Childlessness by choice: Who will take care of me when I’m old you ask?

Heaps of elderly people live up the remainder of their lives in Retirement Villages and Communities, irrespective of whether they are childless or have kids.

What happens in the ROWDIEST retirement villages in the world!

This is an image I found off google, I cannot confirm that this older woman is in a retirement village. But please let your imaginations run wild! Perhaps, she is at home? I mean… I still think this goes on in a rowdy retirement village.

This 2nd image is the real deal. Buzzfeed published an article called ‘Seven Days And Nights In The World’s Largest, Rowdiest Retirement Community.’

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I read a terrific monologue on notadirtyword.com in response to “Who will take care of me when I’m old you ask?”

Samuel Greg, the author of the monologue says that”Anyone who announces their intention not to have children has inevitably been asked this question.”

I think Gregs bavely reflects on the ends of lives of elderly with kids or childfree. He does so in an empathetic yet realistic and relateable way. I could see the arguments Greg’s was making by reflecting on my own grandparents experiences.

Greg’s answer to the question”Who will take care of me when I’m old you ask?” drastically flips the balance of benefits and downfalls of having kids and their ability to help in parents’ end of life stages.

Here’s an excerpt that I found that provoking and potentially a game-changer in terms of social consciousness:

When I near the end of my life I won’t be asking anyone to put their
life on hold for me. I won’t be breaking anyone’s heart when I forget
their name or sending them home sobbing, burnt out and guilt-ridden
because they’re trying to care for me while trying to keep their own
lives afloat.

Instead I’ll be cared for by those who are paid to care for me. And if
no one comes to visit it will be because all whom I knew are now gone,
not because my children and grandchildren have left me to wither alone
and die.

For me it’ll be those who have chosen to spend their
careers taking care of the old like me. They will come in, care for
me, and then go home to their own families without me weighing heavily
on their hearts. For you it will be people who love you but who are
woefully unprepared for the years of heartache, guilt and
work that they had no choice but to take on. They’ll spend their days
walking around with a broken heart and their nights staining their
pillow with tears.

So yes, I do know who will take care of me when I’m old. Now please
tell me again how I’m the selfish one.

 

Source: http://notadirtyword.com/2016/08/get-old-living-childfree-life/

 

Shut-It-Down: “I have a question for you first. How many times a day do you masturbate?”

These SHUT IT DOWN ideas were brainstormed by Mandy Stadtmiller from New York magazine and a few  girlfriends, in response to the question “When are you having kids?”

They are hilarious, but I am seriously doubting how well they will go down in real life.

I am an ENFP on the Myer Briggs Personality test and also a Libra woman. If you are not into all that starry eyed jazz, I am telling you I like to keep social peace and calm 100% of the time, even when I definitely should not!

What do you guys think?

No. 1: “I have a question for you first. How many times a day do you masturbate?”

No. 2: “Here’s my gynecologist’s phone number. HIPAA is going to be a bitch, but do what you need to do to get the answers you need, okay?”

No. 3: “I don’t want kids, and your questions are making me feel even more confident in that choice.”

No. 4: “I’ll have kids — if you pay for them.”

No. 5: “I’m concerned about why you’re asking me this. Are you getting everything you need at home?”

No. 6: “I’m actually in therapy to figure out if I do want to be a mother. It’s painful, but I would love to invite you to the next session if it’s that important to you.”

No. 7: “When are you getting your own life together?”

Even more hilarious, was how Mandy Stadtmiller‘s husband thought she should react.

He thought about it for a moment and said, “You should just respond, ‘You know what? You are right. I don’t know what I want. So why don’t you just tell me how many kids you want me to have, and I’ll get on it right away.’”

It reminds me why I married him in the first place — instead of following someone else’s idea about what marriage should be.

I am not too sure about the 7 points, if any of you give it a try. Comment below! I love Mandy’s own story, it really made the article very loveable and tongue in cheek for me.

Source: http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/07/7-responses-to-when-are-you-having-a-baby.html?mid=twitter-share-thecut

The Unnecessary, Imaginary Boxing Ring: Parents and the Childfree

We often hear parents competing. “Oh my daughter came 1st in this!” “This is where we keep the boys awards!.” All these parents trying to one-up each other, in terms of their childs’ achievements.

I don’t blame them… that’s a human life they raised! Right on!

The MMA grand final fight is definitely  between Parents and the Childfree.

This is a truly refreshing insight into, how the Childfree feel about explaining to people with kids that they don’t want kids (that’s if they even open that pickle jar).

This confession was curated by Anne Roderique-Jones and published on Self.

Confession: When strangers ask my husband and me if we’re having children (and they often do) we sometimes lie. I’d say that it’s mostly for their sake, but it’s really because we’ve come to dread the reaction. If we say that we’re undecided (lie), some people give us their best go at convincing us to join their team. If we tell the truth—that we’re childfree and happy—I often feel as if I’ve offended someone.

I’ve been happily married for nearly 13 years—hardly a drop in the bucket—but can say that our happiness stems from being childfree. Yet most folks don’t like to hear that.

According to Laura S. Scott, the president of 180 Coaching and director of the Childless by Choice Project, “Sometimes it feels like a clash of values; I value the experience of parenthood and you don’t.” And I get that. “Childfree by choice” is a sexy new buzz phrase that comes with a stigma, putting parents and the childfree in an unnecessary boxing ring with each other.

Source: http://www.self.com/story/flu-and-flu-shot-facts

Dangerous Women Project: I’ll be lounging on a beach in Thailand, wrinkled and leathery, my sun-burnt skin flapping away in the wind

Tonie’s story appeared on the website, DangerousWomenProject.org.The Project asks: what does it mean to be a ‘dangerous woman’?

The Dangerous Women Project will curate 365 responses to those questions from all over the world between International Women’s Day 2016 and International Women’s Day 2017.

Bit of background on Jasmine Tonie. She is a ‘Britain’s Got Satire’ sketch show finalist Jasmine Tonie is a comedy writer/performer from the Midlands.  Tonie has just been accepted for the Edinburgh International Television Festival’s Talent Scheme ‘The Network’ at the 2016 Edinburgh Fringe.

This mystical ’emotional need to create’ still supposedly exists in every woman; I’ve been told on countless occasions that I will ‘obviously change my mind’, that my life ‘would be empty without children’ and challenged with the seemingly horrifying concept of ‘who’s going to visit you when you’re old?’. Interestingly, and perhaps inevitably, more often than not it is men that offer these kind of responses, whereas women usually tend to be more sympathetic to if not entirely understand of my ‘radical’ views.

I can hear no loud, intimidating tick-tock of an internal body clock, only the ever-present tick tock of time clicking by and I intend to make the most of every second. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I’m fine that no children will come to visit me in my nursing home. I won’t be there anyway, I’ll be lounging on a beach in Thailand, wrinkled and leathery, my sun-burnt skin flapping away in the wind. Knackered, battered but crucially, fulfilled.

Tonie’s story is an insight into childlessness by choice – Tonie tells us about how she her experiences being exceptionally open about not wanting children and wanting something different from societal norms.

There’s something about Tonie’s directness and self awareness that is truly likeable. Forget likeable, for a moment, her direct and self assured words illuminate the often unconvincing, pushed to the corner idea of childlessness by choice.

Source: http://dangerouswomenproject.org/2016/07/23/childless-by-choice/

 

A Rainbow Baby, after six miscarriages

 

“Six babies lost to have the honor to carry this rainbow baby,” the mom wrote. “I hope my story helps someone else to know they are not alone, as the journey of loss and infertility is dark and lonely.”

After enduring six miscarriages, an expectant mother celebrated her rainbow baby with a breathtaking maternity photo.

In August, Kevin Mahoney asked photographer JoAnn Marrero to take pictures of his wife, Jessica, who was pregnant with the couple’s second child. The Connecticut parents struggled with fertility issues after having their first child, a son named Corbin.

When Jessica and Kevin tried to have another baby, the mom suffered six miscarriages. After so much loss, this rainbow baby represents a glimmer of hope for the family.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/after-6-miscarriages-mom-celebrates-rainbow-baby-with-breathtaking-photo_us_57ee8fc9e4b024a52d2ea0d5

Childlessness by circumstance: What happens on Mother’s day and Father’s day?

 

One wife’s talks about when she came to realise that her man was hurting just like herself.

Hannah blogs about her journey to motherhood, longing for kids with unexplained infertility.

Her post was titled ‘HUSBANDS ARE HURTING TOO’. It was published between Mother’s day and Father’s day.

The depth of my husband’s grief hadn’t fully sunk in to me before this time last year. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that infertility was tearing him apart inside more and more the longer it dragged on, and that it was as painful for him as it was for me, but he very rarely expressed his emotions with it. And then last year on Father’s Day, the day that was already the worst day of the year for my husband, an insensitive and badly timed pregnancy announcement was made right to his face by people who knew about our infertility. It hit so close to home more than any other pregnancy announcement had and it hurt so deeply. My husband put on such a brave face, but we both felt as though we’d been stabbed in the heart. And when we were finally alone at home, he just broke down and sobbed in my arms. When you want something so beautiful and good so much with everything in you and you can’t have it and there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s devastating whether you’re male or female, so you better believe husbands hurt too.

Hannah wanted to  support, sensitivity, and empathy towards men as well as women–because husbands are hurting too.

 

 

Source: http://www.hannahbook.com/husbands-are-hurting-too/

Childless women and high tech babies

Okay! Press that ‘Enter’ key if you know you definitely want kids?! Press that ‘Delete’ key if you guys are a definite NO to kids!?

To tell you what I did, yes, I did nothing – I’m really on the fence about kids.

It doesn’t help that 99% of my life, I have been on the fence about important life decisions… until I was really forced to act haha!

Recently, Toyota has jumped into the niche market for grieving women. Toyota Motor Corp has produced a robot to surpass all baby companions. It is dubbed the Kirobo Mini. I am stumped by this! It looks more like the robot dog from Toy R Us (no shade intended) than an actual baby. Here’s a picture:

First of all, the Kirobo Mini is red, black and white  with yellow rimmed eyes. I am no baby expert, but my idea of baby colours were anything in the light range particularly blues and pinks (for the adventurous maybe a bit of yellow too).

The Kirobo Mini will be released sometime in 2017 for 39,800 yen in Japan — about $400. $400 is not so bad – considering the Kirobo Mini boasts even wobbling like an infant trying to take its’ first steps. It surpass all baby companions in the technology department.

If I was ever looking to buy a baby companion and looking to spend $400, I would probably buy a Reborn. The Reborn is a lifelike baby, just think of Baby Born from Toy R Us 2.0. You the Reborn to look like yourself. This is a Reborn baby up for sale on the Website.

In terms of choice, there are lots of baby companions that men and women can choose from. These baby companions are geared towards grieving mothers, however, if you just like dolls and technology like myself… it’s really something to look into.

Source: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-10-03/robot-baby-kirobo-mini-unveiled-in-japan-for-childless-women/7898800

 

Getting to know, Margery

My maternal instincts are periodical.

My maternal instincts on a graph would chart like the sine tan and cos curves BUT all connected and overlapping.

Sometimes, I love babies and kids – I will look up baby names and meanings. I am really digging Leonardo, Amelia and Lilly in this period of my life. Names will certainly change in a few months.

When I hit a trough, I start to think -I think maybe I will just be the super cool auntie and travel the world…

With all the interconnected curves, I go on a ‘what if I cant have kids’ tangent and get exceptionally excited about periods.

I would like to tell you guys a story from when I was probably 7 years old. At 7 years old, I was running around with a pink stroller with no baby in sight.

I was convinced I needed a baby born. It was advertised on TV during most commercial breaks in the early 2000s. You could feed the baby, dress it, for goodness sake, the baby even peed and you could change the diaper.

My parents took a month long trip to the United States, and promised to bring back a baby born.

This was what my present was supposed to look like,

Instead, I got a pink horse! I actually played with it, and used special dye to change the mane’s colour.

Life is confusing like that… What I am trying to say is very cliche, everyone is different. Even the same person has different visions for themselves 1000 times a day!

There are millions of issues that need greater social consciousness. But, I am going to bring it back to what I aim to achieve from MyBabyWatch – and that is to highlight the difficult journeys individuals go through in terms of making big life decisions about BABIES!  Wouldn’t it be great for there to be more social consciousness in the decades about childlessness?